scattered thoughts

Do you ever feel an obligation to blog even though nobody is telling you to? I feel like that sometimes. It's probably because my blog acts as my personal journal, and when I actually kept a consistent (physical) journal, I had the same guilt when I didn't write in it. I need less guilt in my life, in general, I think. This is something to work on. Anyway, I like blogging, and I like knowing that people actually read what I have to say. It's something that, as a writer, I crave.

I have been struggling to adjust to life as a grad student, which surprised me because I thought I'd get right into the swing of things. It has been more difficult that merely swinging in and catching on. I have a feeling it's because between the time I graduated with my Bachelor's last December and started with grad school this September, a lot happened. I dealt with a lot of disappointment and frustration, directly related to the health struggle I've had for the past couple of years. I guess it showed my narrow-minded view of how trials and opposition work in this life, because I was so over my health problems that I thought it surely was time for me to get better and never have to deal with similar issues again. Obviously naive, yes, and I was so disappointed when instead of going away completely, my little problems decided (rather maliciously, if you ask me) to stick around for who knows how much longer.

So I think I've just had a hard time trying to put all of that on the back burner suddenly to start a completely new phase of life. I'm the kind of person, I think, who does best focusing on one thing at a time, which is probably why I hoped so much that my problems would just go away when I started grad school. And by pushing health to the back burner, I've not taken care of my body as well as I should thus far. I've never been a professional time budgeter, so this is indeed a challenge.

Thankfully, I'm up for a challenge. I always say that I like change, and that I can adapt well to change, and I'm sure that will be the case this time. I'm just taking a little while longer adapting to this change.

With that said, though, I love being here and learning so much and being around like-minded people who are in their own ways as obsessive and nerdy as I am. I love teaching my freshman class even when they occasionally act like twerps.

And I love that even though this past Monday was such a terrible day, Tuesday was so much better, and the rest of the week is looking up. Praise the heavens!

wearied

i always feel bad about yawning my way through class. this class isn't boring, i'm not trying to be disrespectful, don't take it personally. [then as i write that, i think of my students, and that it annoys me justalittlebit when they are falling asleep in class. come on, kids, get it together.] thus, i am essentially a hypocrite. but in my creative nonfiction class today, i heard something [between yawns] that i really liked: "humans are contradictory beings. we say one thing, we contradict ourselves, and i'm okay with that." thank you, stephanie johnson. i guess the fact that we're contradictory beings wasn't new to me, but the fact that she said "i'm okay with that" is refreshing. it's refreshing to accept that i'm going to change my mind, that i'm going to say one thing and do another, and that when i do i'm not going to beat myself up about.

anyway, back to being tired and now understanding if/why my professors would be annoyed at me. on one hand, i could get more sleep and not get my reading/papers done, or i could keep doing what i'm doing and complete the reading and assignments but be too tired to participate in class. because when i'm really tired, i'm afraid that if i make a comment in class it will make no sense.

it's quite the conundrum.

also, this. a couple weeks back i had what i deemed the busiest week and a half of my life. i did manage to complete everything, but as i got a paper back from my fairy tale class, i realized that i succeeded in some things better than others. i didn't do as well in the paper as i had hoped, and i actually talked to my professor this morning and it sounds like it was one of the "roughest" of the bunch, which was discouraging to me because i'm not exactly used to being on the bottom. my fairy tale class intimidates me anyway because there are a lot of intelligent people who use big words and are outspoken about everything. and then there's little introverted me :)   but as i was talking to my professor, she did say that my idea was one of the most creative, but the execution of it was where i lacked. so there's some encouragement mixed with a gentle push in a more productive direction. she said she understood about my being introverted and not commenting in class, because apparently she was the same way as a student.

so i just need to get more on the ball. and find time where there isn't any, so i can get everything done AND get enough sleep to be coherent in class. i'll get right on that.

kaput

my laptop is basically on life support

three inches away from death

i don't know if it will survive the week

i think it's time.....

for a mac

si?

chocolate and stuff

yes, i just spent the last few hours making chocolate truffles to accompany my chocolate essay that my class is workshopping tomorrow. hopefully that inspires everyone to be kiiiiiind (not that people aren't kind, but this essay is kind of haphazard, kind of like my life right now)

oh, and i just turned in an analysis paper for my fairy tale class... i was comparing grimm's cinderella to the animated film anastasia. it was fun, but i struggled with it, big time. i had a revelation as i was sitting at the computer banging my head violently against the wall (just kidding, i really wasn't doing that): i am so glad i'm in the creative writing program. i had a hard time deciding whether or not to do the english master's or the creative writing mfa, because i would really love to study transatlantic victorian literature (:  but, as i was writing this analysis paper, i decided that i'm in the right spot. i love literature but i don't think i could handle writing critical analysis papers for two years... i'd rather write essays about CHOCOLATE! yup.

anyway, it's late and i would love to go to bed but i'm going to do some homework. then it's buenas noches para mi!

(oh, and look at me! blogging two days in a row! or at least close to that... either way, i pretty much rock!)

absence

just in case you were wondering, i'm not dead.

although, i guess i am dead in a couple of ways:

1) dead to the world every time my head hits the pillow

2) dead tired whenever i'm not in bed

3) so dead if i don't stop blogging and finish a fairy tale paper

4) scared to death that the monster spiders in my basement will kill me as i sleep

5) dead in the water if i don't think of a healthy version of caffeine at some point this semester

and last, but definitely not least,

6) dead meat if i don't clean up the mess i've created in our basement living room. let me describe it for you: we have a couch and a love seat down here (both christmas plaid, as i think i've mentioned), and i have taken over the couch. i'm not just talking about me being physically on the couch, but right now i am sitting on the couch surrounded by a couple packages of books i bought on amazon.com, a bag of tortilla chips, tupperware, a pink binder filled with rhetorical theory, two folders, one graded paper, and about 8 books for various classes. oh, and keys and my ipod and jacket. my roommates are nice people to put up with my explosive mess in the living room.

sorry girls.

but, let me look on the bright side: at least i'm still alive despite being dead in various ways! i'm a walking paradox!

dark green carpet

When my family moved into our Ivins house over twenty years ago, it had some sort of colorful identity crisis. One room had bright orange carpet, one had "dusty pink" carpet, another had moss-colored paint and dark green carpet (I think I remember the carpet, but I KNOW I remember the paint).

Oh, and the kitchen with brown linoleum also had yellow sinks.

We changed a few things, and I don't think anything in the original house has survived, except the walls and roof. 

I remembered our original house colors when I moved into my current Provo house, I immediately noticed the dark green carpets. You know, the darkish forest green color that shows every speck of dirt and lint? Yes, that's the color. 

Somehow, it's a very comfortable color. 

awww, shucks

So, because I was away on Friday for the MFA retreat, I had another grad student sub for my writing class. And when I got back, I asked how it went, and they said that the sub was good but that they were glad I was back. Then one of the girls said, "you're like my favorite teacher!" How sweet is she???

Yes, it is true, teaching is rewarding. Especially when you can be your students' FAVORITE.



Oh, and PS, my essay workshop went really well. Excited to revise!

MFA retreat, and general overwhelmedness

I went on a retreat this past weekend for the Creative Writing MFA students, and it was wonderful and SO needed. Sometimes it feels so nice and relieving to get away from everything and spend time with like-minded people who love writing and literature and great food and great conversation. We went down to Capitol Reef and hiked through stunning canyons of colorful sandstone cliffs and it just felt like home to me. There's nothing more refreshing to me than red rock and blue sky. It was TRAGIC that I didn't have my camera with me--I kicked myself several times about that.

All the while, I tried not to think about the gross amount of reading I was supposed to get done over the weekend, and for the most part I succeeded. After all, homework will always be there, but I won't always be in Capitol Reef!

I also had a huge epiphany while I was there (well maybe not huge, but it was a huge relief to get it): I had been working on an essay in my head for a couple of months and actually working on it for about a week, but I was struggling a lot trying to tie everything in together. One of the writing exercises we did in the middle of a hike helped inspire me with an idea to finish my essay. Unfortunately, when I got home I had to rush to write it because I had to email it to my class pronto, so I didn't get as much time to finish it as I would have liked. Ah well, the point of writing workshops is to give you ideas to revise and improve your essay. I just hope what I sent wasn't cheesy or overdone. I'll know on Tuesday! Anyway, my epiphany helped me to finish it, but I'm still nervous because I have this misconception in my head that with this essay, because it's my first in the program, I will be trying to justify my existence in a creative writing master's program. Completely unwarranted, I know, and I tried to shrug off the feeling because it was giving me stress and was probably the reason I had such a hard time writing.

Oh well. I guess I'll find out come Tuesday if I need to pack my bags. ;)

And one more thing.... coming home from the retreat, I was so tired after finishing my essay that I dropped into bed without even unpacking anything, and my room is a total disaster because I didn't have time to clean it before I left. I will definitely have to clean it before I get anything done, because I can't do anything in a dirty room! Bleh, I'm overwhelmed by my dirty room and loads of homework.

Wish me luck!

okay, yum

Let's face it: when you're a student, it's harder to find time to cook great food. I'll just say that while I'm in school, I'm a little (lot) less diligent about eating healthy, scrumptious foods. But I'm going to try harder this semester to make use of my pots, pans, and blender (my precious) so I can maintain some sense of normality while I'm in a whirlwind of writing, reading, grading, etc. etc.

So today I made something wonderfully yummy. The idea wasn't original (it came from Jessi), but I made a few changes to truly make it my own. Here goes:

Bread (I used homemade wheat bread, but I'm sure it would work with any type)
Peanut butter
Jam (I used strawberry)
Thinly-sliced fruit (I used strawberries, although bananas would be fantastic as well)
Chocolate chips

Basically, put the peanut butter, jam, fruit, and chocolate chips in between two pieces of delicious bread and grill it (like a grilled cheese). It gets all melty and gooey and absolutely fantastic. And it's so easy!

Okay, I sound like a commercial. Or the food network. But seriously, you should try this sandwich.

world: take good notes

wouldn't the world be a better place if we all sang and danced in the rain?

.... also it would definitely be a better place if we were all as good looking as gene kelly.