If only I could see the world again
Feel the jolt, the first crack of light
To take that first shaky breath
And announce to the world
I’m new here
To feel the first caress of a mother’s hand
A father’s strong yet gentle hold
To see them, alive
Not in memory alone
To grin up at them for the very first time
And break the silence with a laugh
Becoming their world
To discover
My hands at the end of my arms
My toes at the end of my feet
To taste them, my very own limbs
Bending in half
Without snapping in two
To have plump flesh covering my bones
Instead of my skin
Transparent, highways of blue
Veins like rings in a tree
To count, one two buckle my shoe
Three four open the door
To a cold blast of wind carrying with it
A notice of expiration
The train slowing
Coming to a halt
When will it
stop.
You might remember this poem, I had it on my blog awhile ago. However, this was the poem that I workshopped with my creative writing class, and for my end of semester portfolio I had to revise the poem. So this is my revised version. After the workshop of this poem I decided that when I revised the poem I wanted to steer away from a narrative voice and focus more on the images in the poem. Go back and read the original version, in my blog archive, and tell me which one you like better! Thanks!
2 comments:
I like this version better! I like how you focused more on the images. I love this poem, by the way. The only part I liked better about the first one was this part: "Veins to count like rings in a tree / One two buckle my shoe three four open the door"... I think I liked the sound of "veins to count" instead of "to count veins". This is really a beautiful poem... :)
p.s... I can't wait to see you next weekend!!!!
yeah, I agree with Carrie - this one is better. I like how you focused more on the images, too. It makes it more real and connectable, yeah! How did your creative writing class like it?
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